a boy peeing on his dad
Bull fight gone bad sumo wrestling with a small girl
Monday, March 9, 2009
MONEY
There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
Rolls Royce Loan
A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"
Saturday, March 7, 2009
NBA Program
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
The day at zoo with dad
A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.
"That's an elephant", the mother said.
After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart."
"No, no", said the child, "Behind that!" "Oh, that's his tail",
she said. "No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"
The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....
The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried,
"Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"
The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart.
Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!" "Very GOOD", beamed the father.
"I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"
The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?
" The father replied, "That's his trunk." "No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!"
"That's his tail", the father replied.
"No, no! That thing in the middle!" The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?" "She said it was nothing!" "Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother's spoiled!"
"That's an elephant", the mother said.
After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart."
"No, no", said the child, "Behind that!" "Oh, that's his tail",
she said. "No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"
The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....
The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried,
"Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"
The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart.
Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!" "Very GOOD", beamed the father.
"I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"
The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?
" The father replied, "That's his trunk." "No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!"
"That's his tail", the father replied.
"No, no! That thing in the middle!" The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?" "She said it was nothing!" "Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother's spoiled!"
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Surfing the Internet
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surfand
then my hair stands up with fright
the footsteps coming down the hallare
quickening in pacethere
is no time to exitno way to save my face
so I press the power buttonand relax
just a bitthere is no way he can tellexactly what I hit
I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died"simply unpredictable thesecomputers are!" I cried
"So we'll get you a new onea computer that won't crash" he exclaimsDo you think he'll wonderwhen the new one acts the same?
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surfand
then my hair stands up with fright
the footsteps coming down the hallare
quickening in pacethere
is no time to exitno way to save my face
so I press the power buttonand relax
just a bitthere is no way he can tellexactly what I hit
I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died"simply unpredictable thesecomputers are!" I cried
"So we'll get you a new onea computer that won't crash" he exclaimsDo you think he'll wonderwhen the new one acts the same?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Need Samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?""What did he say? What's he want?"His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee."What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, andyou were only 17?" he asks solemnly.The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years"."I remember that too", she replies softly.He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
10times married still virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Friday, January 30, 2009
Walking is good for pregnant women
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Mary class was in full swing.Mary was teaching the women how to breathe properly,beside informing their partners how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
A Female Doctor With Her Patient
A female doctor can't fall asleep. the conscience and mind are discussing in her.the conscience:- how can you sleep after you were unfaithful to your husband!the mind:- it depends on husbands! if your husband is always busy, he has no time for sex; even the holy wife will be unfaithful. you were right, my dear... hush and sleep...the conscience:- adultery differs! f****** with a patient is unprofessional!the mind:- yes, but remember Mary from the near by hospital. she always has sex with her patients - everybody is satisfied and pleased.the conscience becomes silent. the woman falls asleep... and suddenly the conscience starts again with sarcastic whisper:- yes, but mary is not a veterinary...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Misunderstanding
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would listen...
Special wife
The man approached the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know what, I have lost my wife here in this supermarket. Would you mind 2 talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" the woman asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
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